Jay Bell -+- Author of Fantasy Novel "The Cat in the Cradle"

Happy Couples are Boring

A good day in real life is a bad chapter in fiction. A pleasant meal, a satisfactory day at work, and a relaxing evening at home all make for boring reading. Imagine though if a friend called to say they were late to work due to food poisoning, were subsequently fired, and returned home only to find that they’d been robbed. You would listen to every detail with rapt attention and probably repeat the tale to others. All those occurrences that make life miserable translate into a great story. Of course there is some good in the world that is also gratifying on the page, such as sex, but usually an author is the harbinger of conflict for his creations.

Lately I’ve been busy editing my gay romance novel and it feels like meeting up with old friends. Of the four complete manuscripts I’ve written, the characters in this story are hands down my favorite. I miss then when I’m not working on the book, bad enough that I feel like picking up the phone and giving them a call. Of course this is a problem since they don’t exist.

I could bring those characters back to me by writing a sequel, but I wouldn’t be doing them any favors. I’m not as hard on my characters as some authors, but those that have found happy endings deserve to enjoy them. A book consisting of nothing but dates and hot sex might not sound bad, but it wouldn’t be realistic either, since established relationships are full of quiet moments and simple conversation. Strange how most stories are concerned with the blossoming of love, when making a relationship last decades long is the trick. So maybe there is a book in there somewhere, but for now I’ll let my characters enjoy their reward before I march back into their lives with a bag full of trouble.

The Top Ten AMBIGUOUSLY Gay Action Figures

Gay action figures! There’s more than you would might expect. Some are out and proud while others are still in denial. This list features ten of my favorite ambiguously gay figures. In some cases I chose these based on the unintentional innuendo of the figure, while others have more to do with the character represented. Regardless, none of these should be taken too seriously. Without further delay, here are the top ten ambiguously gay action figures:

10. Kamandi

I honestly know very little about Kamandi, but when I first saw this figure I thought it was bisexual Coley from John Blackburn’s erotic comic series. Kamandi is clad in nothing but a pair of daisy dukes and cowboy boots, giving him the appearance of a redneck rent boy who is down on his luck. The blond locks are flawless though, so I’m guessing he spends all his trick money on hair care products.

09. Tracks

How can a transforming robot be gay? Just think of Knight Rider’s KITT and you’re halfway there. Transformers fans blame his reputed sexuality on his snotty voice or the character’s obsession with his own appearance. For me it’s the lofty flying car mode, the “flaming” design on his hood, and that his best friend is hot Hispanic boy named Raul. Theirs is a forbidden love.

8. Prince Adam

Whether it’s the lavender tights or the pink vest his animated counterpart always wore, Prince Adam has long been accused of being light in his Eternian loafers. The cartoon series never bothered establishing a romantic relationship for Adam, and the subplot of the secret identity Adam is desperate to keep from his parents only adds to the mounting evidence. The only people Adam confides in are Man-At-Arms (a middle aged bachelor with a handlebar mustache) Orko ( a socially awkward fairy) and the Sorceress (an aging hag). But as Queen Marlena points out in the cartoon, “A mother always knows her own son…”

7. Bow

Masters of the Universe’s sister show, Princess of Power, is about as pink as it gets. Bow, the only male figure in the entire line, is a minstrel who favors golden sports bra armor that’s engraved with a heart. I have to admit, it’s a look he manages to pull of with surprisingly well. On the vintage packaging, Bow is described as being “She-ra’s special friend.” He might be a shoulder for her to cry on when those daddy issues with Hordak resurface, but I suspect he’s mostly there to get close to her hotty of a brother, Prince Adam.

6. Batman and Robin

This one is so obvious that I feel almost guilty for chosing it. The innuendo between Batman and Robin has been toned down in recent years, but there remains something a little bit odd about the long line of young lads that Batman takes under his wing. I can understand the first Robin. Bruce had a real thing for Dick, but since he left, Batman keeps replacing him with other young men that just happen to look exactly the same. Jason Todd, Tim Drake, and now Damien. Breaking up can be hard to do, but I think it’s time to move on Batman.

5. G.I. Joe’s Shipwreck

I’m not sure what sort of sailor Shipwreck is supposed to be. The style of his uniform is decades out of date for it to be Navy, not to mention that the colors are wrong. More than likely, Shipwreck put together this powerful ensemble himself. The anchor tattoo is so generic that it’s daring, and the parrot as a fashion accessory is both eye-catching and the perfect icebreaker. Looking the way he does, Shipwreck is guaranteed to instantly own any dock-side bar he strolls into.

4. Aqualad and Aquaman

There was a time when almost every superhero had a young male companion. The thinking was that the target audience, made up of preadolescent boys, would relate to the teenage sidekick and experience the thrill of fighting crime alongside their favorite hero. From a marketing point of view, it made sense. These days it just seems creepy. Or hot. I can’t decide which. Regardless, Aqualad was no worse than most such sidekicks, until this set of figures came along. Apparently his favorite form of travel is via a geyser of water to the crotch. His mentor, Aquaman, can swim through the water like a torpedo, and yet here he chooses to parade himself atop the ocean with the help of a very embarrassed seahorse. Just because you’ve got it, doesn’t mean you should flaunt it, boys!

3. Bert & Ernie

Ah, the original Muppet odd couple, and I do mean couple since they’ve been sharing the same bedroom ever since Sesame Street first hit the airwaves. Every Bert and Ernie sketch plays out like a modern sitcom dealing with the ups and downs of a marriage way past the honeymoon stage. Sesame Street has always been progressive, and it wouldn’t surprise me to see these two tying the knot come the day that gay marriage is legalized in the US. What should be against the law is the lack of decent Sesame Street figures out there. Palisades Toys got the license but went out of business before anything but Super Grover was produced. Such a shame.

2. Sam and Frodo

Not many people who saw the Lord of the Rings movie trilogy made it through without raising an eyebrow at Sam’s level of dedication for Frodo. There was a whole lot of love and tears involved, not to mention the constant servitude. Be it friendship or unrequited love, Sam and Frodo were an awesome team and their chemistry together was unforgettable. The figures produced for the three films range from great to masterpiece quality. For these reasons and more, these two happy hobbits deserve to be number two on this list.

1. Ken

Barbie’s estranged husband is the king of ambiguously gay action figures. Sure he’s considered a doll, but the difference is negligible. Ken’s story is a common one. He’s pretty, needs money, and has an aversion to hard work. What most decent gays in his shoes would do, is to find themselves a sugar daddy. Problem solved. But in the bizarre Twilight Zone world that Ken lives in, every high paying occupation is worked by Barbie. She’s both doctor and nurse, lawyer, dentist, president, and veterinarian. If there’s a position of the smallest esteem, then Barbie already has it monopolized. Ken can either suffer the grunge work that’s left over, or put on that fake plastic smile of his, squeeze his eyes together really tight, and take that elevator up to Barbie’s bedroom.

That’s it for our characters and toys of questionable orientation. Tune in later this week for the top ten list of figures and toys that really are based on gay characters or people.

John Barrowman’s The Making of Me – Are We Born Gay?

I snagged a copy of John Barrowman’s “The Making of Me” to watch this weekend. It’s a one hour special where the openly gay celebrity goes on a quest to discover what exactly makes him homo-tastic. Is homosexuality something that people are born with? Captain Jack… er, I mean John Barrowman explores this question by talking to the field’s leading experts. The documentary is highly entertaining and, no surprise to any of us, it turns out being gay isn’t a choice, but there a multiple biological factors that might determine sexuality. These are the theories that the documentary explores:

Sex on the brain: Utilizing MRI scans and a series of racy images, scientists can monitor the blood flow in the brain and tell whether you are gay or not. The brain reacts so fast to the stimulus, that it isn’t a conscious choice of what one decides to find attractive. Too bad we can’t hook the homophobes of the world up to this thing! I bet a lot of them would be surprised.

The older brother phenomenon: Studies show that the more older brothers you have, the greater the chance is that you’ll be gay. The theory is that women’s bodies perceive the testosterone in the womb as a threat, and combat it with greater effort for each child. The less prenatal testosterone, the more likely a boy will be gay.

Finger length: This one was a bit odd, but by comparing the length of your index and ring finger, it may be possible to tell just how much testosterone you got in the womb. A somewhat larger percent of gay guys have index and ring fingers of an almost even length. The random sampling they produced on the show was about 60%. This again supports the idea of sexuality being determined in the womb. For those playing at home, John Barrowman has straight guy fingers.

Girl brains, guy bodies: Gay guys think like girls. John takes a series of problem solving tests, and performs just as well as girls do on tests where straight guys tend to fail. This has been backed up in another study where the hemispheres of brains are compared between guys and gals. Not only do gay guys have girl brains, but lesbians have guy brains.

It’s how you play: One psychologist looks at the way children play, and feels it is an indicator of sexuality. John Barrowman liked dolls, for instance, and a girl who grew up to be a lesbian liked trucks and rough play. Personally I thought this study was stupid. I grew up loving action figures, violent play scenarios, and romping through the wood with my dog. What about straight girls who are tomboys, or straight guys that love a good chick flick? Personally, I don’t think there is much correlation between personality and sexuality.

The X chromosome: Another study that fell flat was the idea that moms have a gay X chromosome and a straight X chromosome, and that which one you get determines sexuality. Test results show that John Barrowman and his straight brother both got the same X chromosome from their mom, so this obviously isn’t true.

That was about it for the experiments that John Barrowman got involved with. While no gay gene has been singled out, there is mounting evidence that testosterone levels in the womb and the way our brains are formed are what determine sexuality, rather than any environmental factor while growing up. As a nerdy Doctor Who fan, I enjoyed this documentary. It was cool getting to see John’s Scottish parents, his doll collection, and especially his hotty-hotty partner. Check him out:

A Decade of Hot Monkey Love

I totally jumped the gun when making this video last year, because it’s only now that Andreas and I are celebrating the big anniversary. Ten years ago today, I cornered Andreas in a bar and grinned my goofy grin at him until he agreed to go on a date with me. If I were a millionaire playboy, I’d fly us both back over to Kansas to re-enact that first date, which involved a lake, my first exposure to Germany candy, a horse, cheap Chinese food, and a forgettable movie. And a kiss, of course. I’ll never forget that kiss…

Big Gay Book Review – Magic’s Pawn by Mercedes Lackey

I’ll never forget the thrill I had when reading Mercedes Lackey’s first book in the Last Herald Mage trilogy entitled “Magic’s Pawn.” A friend loaned me a copy, saying very little about it other than I might enjoy it. The story starts with Vanyel, son to an uncaring father and heir to his lands, struggling with his home life. We aren’t talking whiney rich kid here. Vanyel’s trouble are serious, both physical and emotional in nature, and it comes as a great relief to the reader when he is sent away to live with his Aunt in the capital city of Haven.

Often times while reading I pretend characters are gay until the plot forces me to think otherwise, and I did the same with Vanyel. Imagine my delight when he actually turned out to be gay. Vanyel doesn’t discover this until his exodus to Haven, an act intended as punishment, but one that becomes a blessing when Vanyel meets the love of his life, Tylendel. A decent chunk of the novel is taken up by this relationship, but happy endings don’t belong at the beginning of a story, so a parade of surprising conflicts soon interrupt their happy honeymoon. Where Lackey takes their relationship over the trilogy of books, is something better left experienced than described.

Lackey’s portrayal of a gay relationship is a bit hit and miss, occasionally coming across as too flowery and feminine. I suspect that’s partially due to the aristocratic backgrounds given to the characters along with the author obviously not being a gay man. Considering how few homosexual characters were present in popular media back in 1989, I think Lackey did a commendable job regardless.

One thing I certainly appreciate is that the story and characters aren’t preoccupied by coming out. Acceptance of their sexuality comes nice and quick, both internally and from the society surrounding them. Too often coming out dominates the entirety of a plot, but with this out of the way, Vanyel and Tylendel are able to get on with their relationship without having to tackle this age old issue.

On rereading “Magic’s Pawn,” I was surprised to discover echoes of Harry Potter in this tale, since Vanyel is a sympathetic character, misunderstood, unappreciated, and abused by his family until the day he is sent off to a more colorful and magical world. It’s a very effective way of getting the reader on the protagonist’s side. Who knows, maybe Rowling drew inspiration from this earlier tale when writing her own books.

It had been a long time since I read this trilogy, and naturally I thought of it when writing my own gay fantasy novel, but this made me avoid it like the plague. Lackey did it right, and long before anyone else had done it, and I didn’t want to step on her toes. Her success and bravery in incorporating gay characters long before the world had warmed to the idea was a constant inspiration to go ahead with my own vision, and for that I am eternally grateful to her. To me, the Last Herald Mage trilogy will always be the first and most classic gay fantasy series, and I can only hope there are many more to come.

More Married Than Before

Although I always say I’m married to Andreas, what we have isn’t quite that, at least by definition of the law. Civil Unions in Germany have always been close enough for me. When Andreas and I were married, we understood that we had every right as heterosexual couples, except for two. We don’t get the same tax breaks, and we aren’t allowed to adopt. Compared to the wasteland of civil rights I had just come from, this sounded exceedingly generous, and was easy to accept. Occasionally though, when tax season came around or when Andreas would dream of children, it would bug us.

I was very happy to learn that our “civil partnership” has recently been given an upgrade. The federal courts in Germany did some musing, and decided that it was wrong that homosexual couples are granted equal rights. As of October 2009, we now get those juicy tax breaks and have our pick of orphans. The only thing denied to us now, is one small technical term. With every right granted, it seems only a matter of time before the last bit of nonsense is done away with, and we are officially allowed to use that controversial little word “marriage.” I’ll be happy when it finally does happen, but it won’t mean as much as the recent gain in equal rights. I’ve been married to Andreas since the day we decided to make it so, and there isn’t a power in the world can grant or take that commitment away from us.